The Joy I Want… The Eternal Weight of Glory

I want to see the path ahead
But all I know is that it’s never the same
I need to live each moment to its fullest
But I never know what that moment will be

I could say I didn’t know
I could say I didn’t mean it
I could say… I could say… so many things
But they wouldn’t be the truth

I want to be all secure here
But all I know know is I’m just passing through
I need to glorify God with all I am
But I can be so lazy, so apathetic

When I stand before the throne of God
My guilt will be fully revealed
Because I knew better
My intentions were not good…

Forgive me, my Lord
I’m too ashamed to look at You
The blinding tears choke me
What have I done? What have I done?
Oh my God, forgive me
I don’t deserve it; I can’t even pretend to
Too often I can’t even see my sin
And I know that is pride… forgive me
But now I see depths of my depravity
That I hoped I had left behind
Lord, wash me clean
Great Baptism, wash me clean, O Living Water
Healer of Hearts, heal me now
And the shame is the greater that I have been forgiven
O Lord of the Living, show me how to live
Fully… how to glorify You…
How to be forgiven

(3.15,16.07

It’s so hard to see with the glare coming down
It’s so hard to breathe
It’s so hard to tell what is lies and what’s truth
It’s so hard to believe

But I will stand in the rain and say
I still believe you
I will scream through the storms
I still believe you
I still believe you

It’s so hard to go on when I deserve death
It’s so hard to smile
It’s so hard to get up when I’ve fallen again
It’s so hard to go on

But I will stand in the rain and say
I still believe you
I will scream through the storms and the pain and the darkness
I still believe you
I still believe you

It’s so hard to trust you for myself
It’s so hard to lead
It’s so hard to find peace after the shame
It’s so hard to be forgiven

And the screams turn to sobbing
And I will still cry
I still believe you
I still believe you
The tears will turn to joy some day
I still believe you….

[Summer 07. It takes being tired enough to cry and laugh over the dumbest things (so which one of us IS ADHD, anyway?) and a lot of honesty... thank you...]

I never knew I could feel like this
So alienated from the one I trust
I didn’t guess this morning
When I read about Job’s covenant with his eyes
I didn’t know this afternoon, playing in the sun
That tonight I’d be shivering in the cold
I couldn’t imagine how my world would crash down
While we sang and prayed…
And even when you began to speak
I thought that you had to be joking

It will take time
It will take courage
It will take honesty
It will take God

But I read the hard truth in your eyes
I hear it in your voice and words
And part of me wants to run
And part of me wants to scream that it can’t be true
I want to cry
But mostly I want to stand with you
I can’t promise that it will be okay tomorrow
We both know that sin is too serious for that
But God has promised that you are forgiven…

It takes time
It takes courage
It takes honesty
It takes God

(3.7,21.07)

This town is not the same
I am not at home
Let me look at you, look at you
Your eyes… tell me to hang on
Tell me to hope
Turn your face and hide your tears
Why are we living in a dream?
It’s almost time to wake up
Is there guilt in your dreams?
So we try to stay awake
It’s a futile fight
Asleep… there is no shallow peace
Asleep… I know finally what I’m thinking
Asleep… I can see
How can I complain?
You know what I will say
And I can guess at your words
Tell me to hope
Turn your face and hide your tears
Why are we living a dream?
It’s almost time to wake up

(Summer of 07)

In the land of the free
Are many captive hearts
Many songs sung in the light
Are in a minor key
Underneath much laughter
Are hidden many scars

Your guard only has to slip once
The wall only has to fall one time
Crying in chapel
Blue jeans and t-shirts
Prophecy and truth

The strong still fall
The soaring eagles die
Friendships are scattered
And yet we say we’re fine
Eyes filled with pain contradict your words
But the masks are difficult to discern

Knock out the shield generators
Tunnel under the thick fortress walls
I still don’t know what’s wrong
Blue jeans and t-shirts
Stars and campfires

In the hearts of the redeemed
Are many dark hallways
Many who lead with passion
Most desire to not go on
Behind the singing in the dark
Hides the most terrible fear

(This was written a good while before I ever went to college, though it certainly could have been written afterward. GJK, JCF, LDM, JAF, ZJF, TJS — and of course Samwise, who liked the first part of it. *smile*)

Grown too calloused to the falling rain
I cannot hear a word you’re saying
I do not feel your pain

Do you understand what I’m trying to carry?
This is something I need to bury
Before it buries me

Dirt and blood under my fingernails
You think I’ll find the Holy Grail
I think you’re insane

Facade of polite dinner conversation
No avenues lead to salvation
Just a falling tree

I hear the pounding, rising screams
The crowds laugh, blood runs in streams
And you all stare

Momentary disillusion that you can’t see
Who I tried to bury, buried me
Such a hypocritical liar

Either who I was — or in the tomb
Didn’t recognize the death of doom
There’s nothing there

Because what I couldn’t take, You gave
I’m finding only You are able to save
Set me on fire

(10.11.07 GJK “A Way With Words”)

[This is an oddly stream of consciousness, weird formatting, too much reading of The headless Horseman's songs... with bits of Griffin, a rainy day, Joni, Kindly Dig Your Own Grave, Andrew B, David G, Monty Python, Jimmy Stewart, Alfred Hitchcock, Homer, Leithart, and Jsha for the tomb in Florida. The last stanza originally went "Because what couldn't be taken was given/ Your'e the only One who could have shriven/ And I'm on fire".]

Girl from the sea
You can never return
The waves they may call you
But it’s no longer your home
And though this is not
Your native land
You’ll walk on these paths
Stretch out your hand

You already know
That you’re called to stay
Until such time as you’re called away
But don’t give up hope
The sun it will rise
And you’ll drink in the day
The water still runs
And pulls at your feet

[It's not done... it's kinda my Dag character...]

Burning up the land behind you
With the flashing blaze of glory
Somehow though you are left
The quiet figure in the shadows
No image to cling to

But I have got a glimpse
Of the coming glory
Can smile in this plan
The royalty in rags
With no crown to cling to

You gave up the crown
Gave up your home
And came down here
For me
No love to cling to

[It was indeed a Divine Conspiracy, Griffin. Sorry this isn't done yet, but such is life.]

How do you see yourself?
Under the pall of death?
You have meant life to me this long year
I don’t have words to thank you
But I think you’d know what I’d like to say

If there is ever
anything
If there is
ever
anything
You know that I would come.

And you know the reasons why when I can’t.

If death has touched you
And I know it has
It’s left you vibrantly, stubbornly alive
That’s really something else though
The life buried deep inside you

If there is ever anything
You know I’ll be there.

[5.9.09]

Keep the beauty quiet
Keep the love so silent
The less you show the less they’ll know
’cause they can’t take what they can’t see

Your walls are so thick
Your eyes are so guarded
The less you show the less they’ll know
’cause they can’t take what they can’t see

Everything is broken
Every touch hurts
The less you show the less they’ll know
And they can’t take what they can’t see

Here you go, it’s a new day
There is a difference in this pain
You can learn to let it go
Let it go and be set free

Hush, love
Precious one
Be close, breathe
And know you’re safe

[6.14.09]