The Joy I Want… The Eternal Weight of Glory

She waited for the One to come
Who would save them all from all
The scourge of the Romans
The cancer of sin
Her dreams tied down to duties
No longer child, not yet woman
Standing at the waiting place

She drew water from the well
Smiling to think of it
The servant coming to Rebekah
Not knowing what the day would bring
Ready, waiting, willing
Heartbreak as well as joy
Brushed by God’s redeeming touch

She would have her turn soon enough
She gasped and waited, afraid
Greetings! he said, calling her favored
Yet what sort of beginning was this?
This was no old and weary servant
This brilliant, breathtaking man
Who now commanded her not to fear

She could have laughed, like Sarah
Listening to such scandal
No son at all could grow in her
Promised but not yet known
Instead, she dared to ask of him
How such a thing could be
And waited with humility

She listened as he spoke kindly
No man this, yet no god to revere
The plan made clear
Which generations longed to see
Messiah would be God’s own son
God here, in the midst of this world!
Drinking water from this well!

She had heard before of Him moving
Spirit of God in creation
And now He would create again
This time, though, inside herself
Holy God of the universe
Her own son, too
Her place in God’s plan

She spoke with timeless beauty
Submitting to this decree
Seeing those who had gone before
And what lay ahead for herself
Glory and scorn laid upon her
The risk of losing all held dear
And the undeniable call of God.

She ran to her cousin Elizabeth
Head spinning with mystery
Old women and virgins conceive
The long-awaited Messiah was coming
Slowly, quietly, growing inside her
Wonder held tight
Waiting to see the next step.

She waited throughout months of scorn
Watched the light in Joseph’s eyes die
And wept for his pain
So this was what the prophets meant
For even God punished a whoring bride
Still, she trusted
Having accepted everything in a moment.

She walked to the well alone
Teased by unkind mockery
She says she’s still a virgin
She says the baby’s from God
So this was how Noah felt
When no one would believe
The truth of the salvation he held.

She went with Joseph on his journey
Carrying the hope of the world inside
The light of the world
Born in a cave
Worshipped by shepherds
Welcomed by angels
All these things she kept in her heart.

She watched, wide-eyed, when magi came
These kings to honor her son
Gold and myrrh and frankincense
Trembling in the presence of such majesty
Shivering in the already shadow of death
Knowing the spear that would pierce her soul
Clinging to the hope of salvation.

She wept as they fled to Egypt
Hearing the ocean of cries behind her
Infants who would die for her son
Before anyone knew He’d die to save them
Laughed with joy as they returned
The exodus of God’s true son
And then waited as the years went on.

She asked what he was doing
After He remained behind in Jerusalem
And He knew, though they did not
Yet returned with them and was submissive
They would go off to Sepphoris
As the tekton taught his adopted son
The creator of the world, how to create.

She came to Him at the wedding in Cana
Pointing out to him the problem
And went on about her business
Quietly confident of His ability
Telling the servants to obey
He made better wine
And she smiled, not knowing what was to come.

She came to see Him with His brothers
Standing outside among the crowd
And wondered who knew He was her son
This God-man, rejected rabbi
Still she loved Him
Remembering all she had treasured up
Knowing that He made family of many.

She saw Him die.
The son of her youth
The savior of her soul
And from the cross, He looked down at her
Broken with love as He suffered all
The Son of Man was her son
And would die for her salvation.

She had waited long
No longer the carefree girl
Still could not fully understand
But held within her a lifetime of trust
Submission to her Creator’s plan
Blessed by generations
Rejoicing in her Lord.

[12.20.09 This one goes along with last year's Christmas poem The Shepherd's Story. I obviously don't really know what was going on in Mary's head, but I tend to assume that she could have thought some pretty similar things to me. I built off of some tradition, such as that she was at the well when the annunciation happened. Whatever you make of the poem, I hope that it leads you to greater awe and fresh understanding of the greatness of what happened.]

I saw all the warning signs
I knew that you would not be fine
Yet I stood as one who’s bound
Unable to speak to you a sound

There were no words that you could hear
No way to make my message clear
I tried my best to ready you
But nothing that I did would do

From afar I watched you fall
Destruction I had hoped to stall
All around you will unwind
And you flee from what you want to find

I feel the pressure crushing you
Trying to learn what I knew
Before you learn, you need to know
There is no time for you to grow

Don’t hide now, don’t run away
You’re safe here, it’s okay
I will give you all I can
Try to teach you how to stand

Promises come in the night
Peace in your long battle-fight
Strength to match your greatest need
A King who will forever lead

Whatever you need, I am here
There is no cause for you to fear
Say goodbye, let go this fight
Grace still dawns with morning light.

[12.20.09 This is, in many ways, a follow up to Friendship's Lament. It was written a little over a year later, and, in the scheme of things, really grew out of the same things. It's interesting to me to see that I used a good bit of the same imagery... I guess things don't change all that much in a year.]

A hundred thousand things I would say
But know no words for
Thank you and I’m sorry come first to mind
But I cannot say I would not do it again.

My heart screams
God, what have I done?
What have I done?
It seemed all that I could do.

You can heal this, I know
I read the Old Testament prophets
Of how all was in ruin
And flee with tears to you

Oh God, what have I done?

Tonight I come to you
Speaking words of heartbreak
Caught in a world too dark
Catch my tears that fall

There was a light
Of indeterminate future manifestations
I didn’t have a word for it then
Or when you asked me a year later.
And that still may not satisfy you
–not logic, not illogic–
Confidence rather than certainty.
The buried seeds of those first conversations
Had later flourishing
That would not have come about if they had not been kept.

You are right,
I did not know
I cannot say that I could have predicted
Only that I am still surprised
–grateful, humbled–
Filled with wonder at the changes.
I am still younger and often unsure of the terrain
But I know myself better
And when the time comes to move on, I will be ready enough.

Ten months before I’d come to stay
I came and walked down your hallway
Utterly unaware
Of what the future would hold
Unaware even of your existence
I didn’t know then that it mattered.

My mind was full of other things
The glowing letters made me smile
I shake my head now
And smile at who I was
At the way that I had no idea
What would really come to matter.

Remember
The day we met?
I’d been here less than a week
And I knew your name
And you were unsure
And then we laughed
And you taught me
To fight.

Today
Once again
I am busy with work that must be done
And you give me
A new plan
Filming in the cold
Fighting.

Sometimes
You’ve come
When I was not expecting you at all
And offered
Yourself
A chance to talk
And know.

I watched you grow, child
Watched you learn to find your way
Watched you stumble and fall
And then refuse to cry

I’ll hold you close
Too close to leave yet
It’s safe to break, child
You know that I am here

Whatever you need
Come run to me
I can’t fix it all
But I’ll teach you how to live

I watched you enter this war
Not knowing how dangerous it was
Watched you fly and crash
And then try to say you’re fine

You’ll be okay, child
But it will take time
You cannot hold out all alone
Neither do you have to

I watched you break, child
Tried to warn you
But I didn’t have the words
And couldn’t keep you safe

It will be okay
You are safe right here and now
I will not leave you, child
All through this long night

Whatever you need
I’ll give to you
I can’t stay forever
But I want to know you’ll live

I watched the walls built in myself
Until I was too far gone
I can’t see that again
You were created to be whole

You are okay, child
Held close in my arms
I’ll see you with my fingers
And wait for morning light

[I was poignantly reminded of Jars of Clay's line about being "old enough to wish that you were young" some time ago... and I love my life now. But I do know that feeling of wishing that I could be young... not for the sake of being young, but for the sake of escaping responsibility. And, I suppose, to regain some of the innocence that is so often lost in the face of responsibility in this broken world.]

They had been coming
For months on end
And we were stuck
In the city above
Watching them come.

They built a ramp up
To take over the city
Our last hold out
Stubborn revolt
But they were coming up.

The men made a plan
They drew lots
Rome would not win
Yet we would all die
Death-glutted plan.

The day fell
For the murderous pact
Mass slaughter
Fortress became a grave
960 fell.

I refused to die
We hid in the well
Two women
Five children
All who would not die.

We live now
Under the shadow
Shattered by agony
Did not die
Can we go on now?

I hear the words again
So many dead bodies!

They are thrown everywhere!

Silence!
Masada will not fall again.

[Last night in Israel class we studied Masada. It's a horrible, tragic story -- and as Seth brought up -- how sad is it, not only their death, but the fact that they did not trust God and chose to kill themselves instead?

The middle three lines of the last stanza are from Amos 8:3.]

Once I saw you as so strong
I do not say that I was wrong
Yet I confess I was naive
The simple summary forced to leave

All at once, things fell into place
Reality shimmered like your face
Startled, I touched and then withdrew
Unsure of what would happen if I broke through

It’s a careful, changing, patient dance
I reached out and you offered a chance
On shifting sand lit by a wandering star
Some days the light doesn’t shine too far

Trapped in a prison that you had to choose
The bonds that hold you will not come loose
You run from the knife that would set you free
Afraid of the need for someone to see

And what would you do if someone came
Whose light blazed through the shadows of shame
Whose gaze could melt your thickest chains
Whose blood could heal your deepest pain?

I know that you will stand and fight
Offer yourself for what is right
Worlds apart I remember your face
The agony and light and the promise of grace.

You ask me how I am and I have to wonder
At the socially acceptable politically correct lies
That come pouring out of my mouth
Do you believe me when I say that I’m okay?

Look at me and tell me to be honest
Hold me to accountability
Tie me down and force me to be responsible
I don’t want to be lured astray so easily
I don’t want to go back to captivity
I don’t want to wallow in my sin
I just want to hear the sirens sing

I ask you how you are but we both know I don’t care
Even if you’d be honest
I’m just not listening to what you’re saying
So you cover it all up and say you’re fine

But I will look at you and tell you to be honest
Hold you to accountability
Tie you down and force you to be responsible
You don’t want to be lured astray so easily
You don’t want to go back to captivity
You don’t want to wallow in your sin
You just want to hear the sirens sing

The price I have paid for my foolishness is a loss of self
I need to take the time to really know you
To really care about you
I will not surrender, I will not walk this way

But I will look at you and tell you to be honest
Hold you to accountability
Tie you down and force you to be responsible
You don’t want to be lured astray so easily
You don’t want to go back to captivity
You don’t want to wallow in your sin
You just want to hear the sirens sing

And I know they say those sirens sound like heaven
And I know you say that you don’t want to be tied down
I know it’s said that you have to let what you love go free
I know you’re being polite, not asking for my life story
And I’ve been told your decisions are your own
…but that’s not all I know
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt
That Satan dresses like an angel of light
That Love was God nailed to a cross
That He bought back with His own blood this spiritual prostitute
And that we cannot be free till we’re lost in Him

So look at me and tell me to be honest
Hold me to accountability
Tie me down and force me to be responsible
Tying me to the mast is not enough
I just want to hear the sirens sing

Chain me to the One who saved me
Force me to look at no one except Him
Open my deaf ears, Lord, and make me hear Your song
…and only then will I be free
And only then will I be fine

[2.28.07 -- DJM -- for forcing me to be honest in many ways. JCF -- as ever, nothing is ever enough but anything is reason enough. God -- who protects me from the haunting song of the Siren. ]