End of an Era

It’s my turn to wait
With no printed schedule
So I stand in the back of the room.

You grew, I laugh,
And you agree
Laughing eyes looking down at me.

I’m more than content
To wait in the silence
Breathe for a moment as if nothing changed.

Words are spoken
Into the noise
Spaces of quietness, whatever you say.

Footsteps through the sanctuary
Find a place to sit
With no way to know if there will be a next time.

Caught between tears and laughter
All the years of memory
I have watched you grow up.

You’ve done me proud, child, I say
Close my eyes and let go
Because I won’t be able to call you child again.

It’s funny how it’s changed
From five years ago
And what has stayed the same.

Words still come fast
Harsh with bitter disagreement
That falls away into solid friendship.

I treasure that, I hope you know
So eyes contact and I watch the last
And smile with the bittersweetness.

It began with a hug
And it ends with hands that hold fast
Don’t let go for a second.

It’s the end of an era, perhaps
You’ll sit here some day and wonder
Shake your head and trust that His plans are good.

 

River

Would you really mind
The next time around
Not jumping in the river
All your sorrows to drown?

And I know the river runs deep
And the river runs wide, I know
And you were tired of all you couldn’t carry
So you dropped it all and let go…

Can you try something different
When you wake again?
Falling for peace
Won’t ransom all the pain.

And I know that you fall hard
And you fall fast, I know
And you were breaking under all you couldn’t carry
So you stepped off the edge and let go…

[Bridge]
When light hits the water
When dawn paints the sky
Can you unclench your hands
Open your eyes?

And I know the darkness runs deep
And the shadows stretch wide, I know
And the light hurts when it cuts so bright
But it heals when you learn to trust and let go…

Oh, you see, the river runs deep
And the river runs wide, you see
Blood that’s sufficient to wash you clean
Up on the shore of the man on the tree…

(I edited this to make it work better as a song, since I tried recording it the other day and realized that it had really awkward pauses in parts. )

 

The Bard and Banfilidh

She turned away
Eyes dark with pain
Far too young to be so old.
“What did you see?” I asked quietly
And her answer came
On a cold winter wind.

I saw the future, how it will be
The years yet to come as they will unroll
The tree were cut down
And the dryads had fled
Wood burned in a fire
That men came to worship.

Her words were a painting
Burned into my mind
Till the smell of the smoke
Hung over me
I followed the river
And called out her name.

My nightmare continued:
They prayed to a god
Who laughed at all the world’s beauty
To appease its blood lust
Women took their children
And dry-eyed made them be fuel.

I sat and I wept
For the pain of her dream
And the shadow that hung at my heels
Her voice sang through the stones
Through the ground at my feet
As her vision crept into my bones.

The darkness spread deep
Like a cancerous plague
It poisoned the land and the song
Children grew weary
And ran from the pain
They lost all the paths to go home.

“How will you bear it?”
I asked of the stars
That shone bright above
In the cold clear night sky
They were so far away
And did not care to respond.

Her answer came merry
Joyful song strong and solemn
I sought the ancient ways
Marked by the swift sure hand
And I wept for the pain of evil
As I sought for those who remembered.

I lay beneath
The autumn’s fallen leaves
As I mused to myself
One last question
“How will you know
Who seeks your hope?”

Her answer was fading in distance
It must be offered to all
For as long as you live
With every one of your days
Those who hear come
There is always a reason
And always much strength shall be found.

Silence rang loud
And the years rolled around
Seasons of steady and change
Wind broke at my back
Sun fell on my face
As the ancient path rose up to meet me.

 

Feelings

Sometimes, these nights, I feel like Job:
No, I don’t want to curse God and die
I will take evil as well as good
Only call the evil what it is.
I wait and wonder, growing weary
Tired of not knowing the end
Tired of not knowing the purpose.

Sometimes, these days, I feel like Esther:
Did You put me here
For such a time as this?
What am I supposed to do?
I wait and wonder, clinging weakly
Restless eyes searching others
Restless fingers searching google.

Sometimes, these nights, I feel like David:
You shattered all my bones
And my heart is dead within me
Do Your praises sound from the grave?
I wait and wonder, singing heartache
Knowing that You raise the dead
Knowing that Your hand guides all.

Sometimes, these days, I feel like Jesus:
My God, have You forsaken us?
We cry but You don’t answer
Still You have been my God from birth.
I wait and wonder, hoping for light
The belief of our fathers was in You
The belief of our children will be too.

Sometimes, these nights, I feel like Paul:
We are pressed, but not crushed
We are jars of clay that shatter
And You keep treasure in us anyway.
I wait and wonder, breaking heart
To see what You do with temporal pain
To see the unknown glory.

 

Aurah’s Dream

Silence hung like shroud of fog
Uncanny and unnatural
The land waned grey beneath its shadow
So I slipped between the cold stone walls
Into the cathedral
Everywhere place of deepest sanctuary.

A scream rose to my lips
As I choked on the death reek
Feet slipping on the blood-slick floor
Inside this mass tomb
The death camp, carnage house
Bodies stacked in hasty piles.

Here lies my missing army
Those who could have fought off the dark
Their laughter will not fill the feasting halls
Their tears will not water the barren soil
Instead they lie in unending sleep
Without names and without faces.

I fled to the street from the slaughter
To find someone to answer
What happened to unhallow the sacred?
Most stared uncomprehending
Turned and walked away
I walked alone the desolate edge of despair.

At the end of my path
A man sat in the shadows
On the ledge of a shallow cave
Face hidden, yet I thought I knew him
So I sat down beside him
Too shaken to cry.

What happened here
In this land of the dead?
Why did they die
When I live instead?
I asked him
Afraid of the wind’s biting chill.

His golden eyes cracked wide open with pain
As the tears I couldn’t find
Ran down his face
Hands clenched against the letting go
Breath caught hard to ward off a blow
Disaster haunting his waking dreams.

I looked in his eyes, this brother of mine
Silently pleading with him to speak
To let down his walls
Dismiss the phantoms who guard them
To catch me before
I broke all through.

He sighed, wind carrying away breath
Bound up together with the names of the dead
Opened his hand, strong arm around me
Setting free words I would never forget
Tale of massacre, innocents slain
Yet mourning still the loss to me.

Death you will see, my child-sister
You will learn well its siren song
It will play on your fears in nights spent alone
Stalk you by day and beguile your dreams
It will cripple your body and poison your soul
Until you’re afraid to ever be whole.

I shrank from his words and the touch of his hand
Closing my eyes and struggling to stand
Missing the ocean as it played on the strand
The cry of the gulls overhead
Taste of the salt on my lips
The light that I once took for granted.

Ground shuddered beneath my feet
As the sky above split open with thunder
Unleashing a storm that obscured everything
Rain pounding hard to crush growing life
Hope died in my eyes as I stared out in vain
Turned back to face him heartsick.

The ones I loved most have died unawares
Their blood stains my hands and will never wash clean
If you cannot teach me, I must go away
Roam through the earth
Walk over the land, ride the sea’s foam
Can you look into my mind and tell me to stay?

His eyes held the ages
The times and the tides
Forgiveness that chased me so I could not hide
His hands could mold history
Hold back the winds
Too strong and too gentle for me to escape.

I’ll send you to the corners
Where times and worlds touch
Once you’ve forgotten
I’ll seek you out there
Reteach you your name, how to breathe
How to tell the real from a dream.

[Aurah is my Dag character; this poem had its roots in a sermon about abortion, the value of life, sin, and the God who is sinned against.]

 

Growing

She flung herself into the void of the uncertain
So half remembered scents
Assault her memory
She ran from all the ones who would have loved her most
Only to find she can’t escape
The haunting of the heartache
So she’ll live in the dusk, a child of two worlds
Tracing rough rocks with unfeeling fingers
Able to see what you never meant to say

She was a child when she came to this place
Headstrong and crying for what
She didn’t know she’d need
She broke open the sacred and got caught up in grace
Writing she could not erase
War from ancient time past
So she’ll wake with the dawn, a child of two worlds
Tired beyond any feeling
Running hard away from death

When the quiet comes
She still remembers
The stillness
Fear she couldn’t hide
Pain she couldn’t carry
Falling through the tears in her eyes
Slipping through her fingers
As you breathed it away
And caught her instead

When the dark comes
She finds herself caught
With a cord that firmly binds her
Although she may fight
An end comes to the night
Waking to find she’s alive still
Trapped by the truth
That will not relent
Landed at last in the real.

 

Thulcandra

Tonight it all converges
The goodness of light and evil’s cold dark
Tonight the battle surges
As the moon hangs above, unfeeling and stark

Reality is truth too strange
For the finite words of men fading away
Patterns too great for us to arrange
Colors leak out leaving shadows of dreary

In the sky that spans our world
Unhuman banners are flung unfurled
We move unknowing, made small by our lies
Broken and bled by a life of goodbyes

The band of the faithful is few
Astonishing frail in the face of such power
But out of such dust, history grew
So they breathe deep the infinite that cannot cower

The battle is fierce death-bringer
Leaving blood as seed for a new earth
Still the song breaks free of the singer
Soaring with hope of the coming rebirth

All bad things must come untrue
For the silent planet robed in fragile blue
Covered in the living blood running red
Bound together by wine and by bread

Tonight we wait for a final fight
Watch from the windows as all falls away
Dawn will break the final night
So we learned how to run and still choose to stay

Tremulous reaching from silent to spoken
Infinite binding itself to space-time
Shattered hands that can heal all the broken
As the Word steps down into this place

 

Leaving Little Sisters

I know why she’s sad right now
Because even though we’re laughing
I’m leaving.

And every time I say a word
It’s one word closer
To leaving.

One of these hugs will be the last
And then she’ll go to sleep
And I will leave.

I know how she is feeling
Because I’ve said goodbye too
Watching other people step away
I’ve been the one crying
So I say,
You’ll be alright.
And remember the words said to me
Call me. Let me know
If you need anything.

Yes, leaving hurts
The ones who go and the ones who stay
But words bind strong
And heal the wounds
Slowly.

 

Like This

Here.
Put your hands around the hilt
Like this.
Watch how I do this –
Swing, slash, stab.
Now you try.
Sunshine, rain, snow
Daylight and moonlight
And darkest night
In crowded halls
And when you’re most alone.

Here.
Put the pen to the paper
Like this.
Watch how I do this –
Words leak out.
Now you try.
Journals, papers, scraps
Scribbled and flowing
And a mirror to your soul
In crowded classrooms
And when you’re all alone.

Here.
Form a wall and step into the fight
Like this.
Watch how I do this –
Look past appearances.
Now you try.
Conversations, glances, touch
Hurting and healing
And learning to feel
In jostling crowds
And when you stand alone.

Here.
Let go of it, go to sleep
Like this.
Watch how I do this –
Lullabies sung softly.
Now you try.
Oceans, legends, faith
Ancient and binding
And holding you safe
In crowded dreams
And when you wake alone.

 

Why We Need Advent

I hear your words.
Too much like my own –
But I knew that when we started telling stories.

What do I say?
Not, Oh, this isn’t true –
You know that it is.

So instead I agree,
And I push your words further.
It’s how life is; it doesn’t make it right.

I hope that you see
More than resigned despair.
Hear the hope of the Savior-Hero who came.

We talk of pain
And death, and waiting for something better
We need a warrior to conquer ourselves.

The world is wrong
And families are broken
And bodies turn traitor
And children don’t sleep.

We’re tired of waiting.
Please hurry.

Words dance back and forth
Life and death
Tears we won’t cry
Light and shadows.

Do you hear these
Whispers from the dark corners?
Please hurry, Jesus!

Come quickly and touch us.
Breathe life.
We need You, Savior –
God with us.