The Joy I Want… The Eternal Weight of Glory

Monday-Wednesday-Friday-Saturday
Is a regular thing.
It’s not a big deal if you skip a practice;
It doesn’t really matter who wins.

But this night
Matters.
I don’t know why this one
And not some other
But I will always be tired.

This time
It matters.
We have got to win.
No matter what it takes.
There is no other option
That I can honestly take.

So instead of a painless death
I will take your pain.
And feel it.
And hurt for it.
And get scars to prove it.
But I can’t brag about these.

The only other option is death.
Living death. Being dead.
And I refuse to take that.
I want you alive
And I want you whole.
This night matters.

Her voice is tight with anguish
Stuck inside the memory
Every face
And the rain
Everything
A thousand times over
Every day
In this living, waking nightmare
If you cannot dream when you’re asleep
You’ll dream when you’re awake
Utterly unable to find an escape
Wake up to the knowledge
Of unknowing pain

This time
In the cooling spring night
And after she has gone to sleep
You pull out the papers and sit silently
For a moment
Staring and not seeing
What were you doing?
Replaying once more?
To find the answer
To the next question you’d ask me?
Nothing that much, nothing that dark
I’m sorry to have you jumping at shadows

Slam
Replay
You cannot make it change
You cannot
Carry everything…

This spring night all is still
As morning comes slowly our voices speak in the dark
And I can hear the tears threatening your words
The crushing pressure of so many years
Somewhere in the darkness masks slip away
Push away the dark edge
You have looked too deep
So I am begging you not to fall
Don’t break, hang on

Another night, not so quiet
In the middle of the hurry we still make time to talk
It’s eyes as well as voices but the light is unsteady
The dark pain in your eyes as you see
You know this too well and my hear sobs
Kneel on this hard floor
Pray and speak with love
I am begging you not to fall
Don’t break, hang on

You can feel this pain
Can you take it for your own?
The intensity…
I’m sorry…
Do you want to feel again?
Tears and prayers
Brokenness
Your fingers move gently

(We’ll still hide
Behind the jokes
Voices change as we look away)

Scattered are the notes that I give to you

Multiply my offering, Lord

Some will indeed give stones when asked for bread

But You have never left me hungry

Your people are crying, Abba Father

Of the fatherless and alone

Time is short and we don’t know

How much can we do?

The only safe rule that I have found

Is to give more than you can

The only full life will fall into Your hands

As I committed my spirit

[6.4.09.  Two notes.  The word "give" in the first line could be "sing" instead.  The "The only safe rule that I have found/Is to give more than you can" is a paraphrase of CS Lewis.]

Your body and blood

I don’t understand

How and what this is

Shrouded in shadows of light

But I believe so I partake

And look around at those with me

Heart crying out with solemn joy

Lord I believe

So help my unbelief

Touch my blind eyes

And make me to see

I worship before you

With joy

With joy

With joy!

These words on my lips

Confess my beliefs

Defining set boundaries

Binding us to orthodoxy

And I believe so I confess

Looking around at those with me

Heart crying out with solemn joy

Lord I believe

So help my unbelief

Touch my blind eyes

And make me to see

I worship before you

With joy

With joy

With joy!

These hallways aren’t so cold

I’ve come to know these doors

All the late nights, searching through

There’s a strange kind of comfort

These sidewalks aren’t so lonely

Even when no one else is here

Soft lights hold back the shadows

The air is oddly gentle

These people aren’t so far

Though they may look away

With words and time the walls fall down

We have become a family

[6.4.09, having been commanded requested to write by someone.]