The Joy I Want… The Eternal Weight of Glory

[In cleaning off my desk, I found a bunch of random bits of songs.  I think they were written mostly spring/summer of 08.  Playing around with different ideas... maybe I'll use some of it later...]

This moment…. so small in itself…

You allow me to distract you

Just because I want it…

Thanks

This is how we pulled down the walls

And you take it as I tease you

Playing with words

~~~

She is flying free

Running down the hills barefoot

Like this is her home

She can give it all away

’cause it will always be hers

All this and more

Princess

She’s not an exile

She’s on her way home

~~~

In a darkened room the music plays

I know my heart is here to stay

Resting in God’s glory as we cry

Overwhelmed by the brokenness of this dying world

~~~

I’m afraid I will choke

Because how can I breathe

Around the stench of this blackness

~~~

Living like a prodigal

Dying like a criminal

You… you look surprised

You never knew that this is what

Living like a Christian looks like

Giving everything

(It was never mine at all)

Joyful through the agony

For the joy ahead

Dying the lowest death

And I am blessed

If it brings God glory

Emptying myself to be filled with Him

~~~

Once I was ashamed of coming to You

With nothing

Now I know I’d have it no other way

I want to stand before You

With empty hands

With nothing in my pockets

With nothing to my name

I want to come naked and broken

Blind and dead 

To tremble with awe

As You lay Your hands on my head

Do you really think I’ll forget you?

Are you listening to those lies?

Are you so afraid I’ll leave you?

Turn away and say goodbye?

Please don’t go

Please be okay

Come talk to me like you used to

Grab my hand and hang on tight

God, no.  Don’t let him fall

I do not even know what to say

What words will he hear?

What can break through his defenses?

Please come back

Please don’t ever leave again

We used to laugh and cry so fast

We used to… know each other

It’s not your fault

The lies are not true

Don’t listen to them

It is not wrong to be hurt.

Please, my warrior-friend

Please come home

Don’t push me away

I need you to be okay

Lord, he doesn’t hear me

Lord, please…

Why this hope if all for nothing?

Why these tears?

No I do not understand

But you are hurting me

Because I am a part of you

Fall asleep

We can do this in dreams

Reach out to me

Break the glass

Just so I can feel you

Here see, I remember you

As anyone could see in the blink of an eye

I know you like I always knew you

Walk away, don’t say goodbye

Please look at me

’cause it all crashes down

Truth between blue eyes

Truth between kindred spirits

[mid-February 2008.  It amazes me, in retrospect, how closely life works to songs.]

Worth it all to see your face

As I walk in

The thousand deaths I’ve had to die

All forgotten

Worth all the days of waiting

All the tears

The hours we spent distracted

By the fears

Driving ourselves to do anything

But to think

[3.14.08]

Late night apologies

Frustrated tears that I can’t cry

I can’t reach out and touch you

But I wish that I could try

Late night benedictions

Truth is, you are good to me

I enjoy it all, laughter and fights

Just wonder how to make you see

Here I am

And I wish you knew

So many things…

Like that it is okay

When you make me want to cry

The nights when all the jokes fall flat

I’m not looking for anything from you

I was looking for what I could give you…

So say goodnight

Don’t cry yourself to sleep

Not tonight, not ever again

We don’t have to be so lonely

Not in a redeemed world

[Late February 2008]

Through the cracks in the distractions

All the pain comes wasching back again

I don’t know what to do; I don’t know what to say

I don’t know what to think… and yet I pray

Somewhere between agony and anger

Caught in the anguish of uncertainty

A thousand thoughts spinning through my head

Does love cover a multitude of sins?

My love for you and yours for God and His for you?

I beg that it be so

Through all the sickening bitterness

Unwillingly I remember other days

When all this seemed so far away… impossible

As you taught me orthodoxy

And we fought… together… on the same side

Now in prayer I cry…

Let the kingdom of heaven come violently

Let the violent take it by force

No battle is too painful and no price too high

Your kingdom come

Your will be done

Abba, hold us

Abba, hold us

[6.30.08.  Matthew 11:12.  "When you sent me out so boldly to change the world... did you really think there wouldn't be a cost?"  Rereading this tonight, I find another reason why I need to write songs.  They force an honesty that I would not verbalize otherwise.  "Sickening bitterness" is the correct phrase for those times when I don't want to even think about the reasons to not be bitter.

Praise be to God for loving even in our bitterness.]

This rottenness in me

Which you cannot see

Poisoned waters of death

White-washed sepulchures

I sit alone and shivering

I am not righteous

I am not righteous

I am filthy

I lie, arms outstretched

On the cold wood floor

Not for my sake

But to Your name be the glory

Spare Your sons, spare Your daughters

Be our fire, be our water

Burn away our sin

Wash us clean again

Re-make us, from the inside out

[March 7, 2008]

I remember the tears

Of almost two years ago

Because I have not cried so hard since

The days and weeks leading up to it

Seems so blissfully unaware

We didn’t know that he was dying

Cancer is a silent, sudden killer

Three hours and I’m holding onto your words

Before I drown in these heartbroken sobs

I’m hanging on to your prayer…

I remember the fears

Of two and a half years ago

Unsure of what to say, not knowing what to do

After the months of finally knowing you… again

Seem so strangely naieve

I didn’t know you were fighting

Images are a hard, cruel god

Five minutes and I’m running from your words

But coming back to you even in bewilderment

I will make you my solemn promise…

Someday I do believe

That we will be washed pure

Although now it’s refining, I’m completely confident

That I will yet see you a shining sword in the hand of the King

That you will be exalted as you submit to Him

[2.18.08 ~ J.A.]

After all this time, to find my heart so light

Seems strange

Especially because we didn’t even talk

But I have learned from you

To speak the truth with a smile

And keep it all behind my eyes

Until I can read what you’re thinking

You said you couldn’t say how you were feeling

You said it was all in the music

So I stand and listen till I’m washed away

Floating out to sea on these strains of melody

And the sun shines warm on my face, drifting free

Full moon glowing low in the sky

Pull me back in to the rocky beach

Where I belong

Running with you until my feet are cut and bleeding

Because the music makes it worth it all

When I drift away, my heart pulses to a different tune

So subtle I don’t notice until I hear the truth again…

[2.21.08]

The tears in your voice frighten me

The miles between us so I cannot see

The light flashing in your eyes

Truth hidden beneath all the half-lies

You should never have left me so long alone

I should never have allowed you to go…

Never wanted to see you cold

Never wanted to see you fall

I believed your promise, your word

So please come home and drop your sword

I respect also the power of your pen

But red is the ink as it pours from your veins

And the well-crafted words blur beneath my tears

Running together into an ocean of fear

Draw close and talk to me

Can we laugh again for real?

[2.16.08]

Your despair finds itself in laughter

Eyes like obsidian, so hard and so brittle

Behind all these walls it’s hard for me to touch you

Hard for me to say

Child, your time will come

Stop giving yourself away to all the things that are not

Stop giving yourself away

Your time will come

Child, your time will come

Your fear finds itself in flirtation

But the rushing wind leaves you stripped bare

Broken against the sky as all the winter branches

So to you I will say

Your time will come

Child, your time will come

Stop giving yourself to all things that are not love

Stop giving yourself away

Your time will come

Child, your time will come…